February Tapas: Setting Boundaries, Self Compassion, and Nostalgia
Monthly Tapas is a new blog series that’s inspired by my time living on the island of Mallorca in Spain. Each week, my housemates and I would go out for tapas (small bites that usually accompany a beer or wine). Going out for tapas meant catching up on our weeks, telling stories, and laughing together. It meant good conversation as much as it meant good food. Above all, it meant connecting with one another.
My Monthly Tapas blog will be a place where I’ll share a sampling of what’s going on in my life in small bite-sized pieces. A little variety platter, if you will—a hodgepodge of thoughts. I’ll be sharing nuggets of what I’ve been thinking about, reading, or enjoying lately. So without further ado…Salud!
What I’ve been reading…
Boundary-setting has never been my strong suit. In fact, it’s never been a suit of mine at all. If I’m being perfectly honest, I’ve always heard people talk about boundaries but never completely understood what they were. So, per usual, I turned to a book to learn.
I recently finished Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself by Nedra Glover Tawwab, and it has been completely eye opening. Nedra covers what boundaries are, how to be assertive and say “no,” and how to express our needs. She’s a licensed therapist who pulls from the latest research and best practices used in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT).
In all honesty, it’s not the most riveting writing, but the tips and tools Nedra shares about how to set boundaries are hands-down worth it. I can’t recommend this book enough.
What I’ve been thinking about…
Last year, I published a blog on Valentine’s Day called Kintsugi and The Art of Self Love where I reflected on my own journey practicing self compassion. I also talked about the lessons we can take from kintsugi, the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with gold lacquer.
Kintsugi, which roughly translates to “joining with gold,” is about taking something that’s broken and making it whole again. The technique is part of a broader Japanese philosophy called wabi-sabi, which is all about appreciating beauty that is imperfect, flawed, or transitory. It teaches us to find beauty in our fault lines, to find meaning in our scars. It teaches us that when something breaks, it becomes more valuable, not less.
A year has gone by, and yet I find myself feeling all of this as deeply as when I first wrote it. The thing is, practicing self compassion is an ongoing journey. I’m still working on loving my flaws, on being okay with my imperfections.
So this Valentine’s Day, I’d like to say a friendly reminder to give yourself a little bit of extra love today. Treat yourself—light a candle, read a book, have a spa day. Whatever you need to show yourself some extra support and love. (We could all use a little more of that these days, don’tcha think?).
You can also check out my recent blog, 14 Ways to Practice Self Love.
Another thing I’ve been thinking about…
I went on a hike recently with a friend, and we got to talking about nostalgia. It’s a funny thing, how it can bring up the feeling of loss, sadness, and “what ifs.” It can send you down a rabbit hole thinking about where you’d be if you had made different choices. Or if other people had made different choices. Years later, it has made me mourn the loss of friendships, of relationships, and family members. It can make me feel so incredibly deeply, I can almost physically feel the ache inside my chest.
My friend and I got to talking about why. Why do we feel nostalgia? What purpose does it serve? Perhaps it’s to remind us of how far we’ve come, of all that’s happened between then and now. Maybe it’s an exercise in feeling gratitude for what we have. And maybe the purpose it serves is to shake us awake, to turn our awareness to something that has just been hovering under the surface—to show us a need that we’ve failed to pay attention to. Perhaps we’re feeling nostalgia because we’re in need of something—feeling more connected, or supported, or loved. Maybe it’s our internal wisdom turning on and directing us to what needs to shift or change in our lives.
Our bodies are more intelligent than we give them credit for. So when we get that feeling of longing in the pit of our stomach, maybe that’s a calling to listen up and pay attention to whatever it’s trying to say.
What I’ve been treating myself to…
I recently saw how to make a healthy Snickers bar on Instagram from My Nguyen at @myhealthydish, and I had to give it a try. I substituted the chocolate for carob, and almond butter for the peanut butter, and it was just as delicious. The best part? It actually tastes like a Snickers bar, and it’s way healthier. It’s perfect if you’re craving something sweet that’s also easy on the body.
Quote of the month…
“Sometimes when things are falling apart, they're really falling into place.” –Unknown